Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
