When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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