Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
