literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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