Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hippo gnu deer
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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