i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
