Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
