I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
