Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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