Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize