All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
