I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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