Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
