you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I had to cum in my sink.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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