Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I touched a dick in church today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
