god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
