So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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