If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
