Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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