I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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