I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
