420 ftw
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
