every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
