Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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