Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
