So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
