Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
