Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
