i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
