Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Holy sore nipples Batman
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize