We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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