The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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