i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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