when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
