My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
