I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
