haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
