I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
