She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
