just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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