I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
