I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
