i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
