You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
