i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
