New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
No subtext here. People are naked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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