I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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