I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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