I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
