my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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