I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
