If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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