i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
