sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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