I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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