my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
