dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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