I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
