I met the friendliest cop last night
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
