ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
