flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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