I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
