i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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