There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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