omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You smell like stripper and shame
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
