You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
